~ I'm Sorry (Part - 7) ~ A Gay Love Story By Ashit Maje

Ronnie muje cheat kar raha hai, uus khayal ne muje ekdam hila ke rakh diya tha.Tabhi muje ehsaas hua ke Ronnie, without Ronnie actually cheating me, mai itna distrub ho sakta hu, toh jab Ronnie ne muje range haatho pakad liya tha usey cheat karte hue, toh uske dil par kya biti hogi.

Issi khayaalo ke saath mai farsh par be-haal sa pada raha tab tak..ke jab kisi ne knock kiya mere darwaaze par.

Maine apni writst-watch mein dekha, sham ke 8baj chuke thhe, matlab kam se kam 30mins mai farsh par pada raha, sirf Ronnie ke baare mein sochte hue.

iis waqt ke darmiyaaan mai sochta raha, ke kitna muje Ronnie ne help kiya tha, iis makaan ko kharidne mein, issey real-sense mein ek ghar banane mein, hamara ghar..

Mai kabhi apne parents se jyada connected nahi rha hu. Adulthood acquire karne ke fauran baad, mai ghar ke bahar hi raha hu, for studies or for my job. Very rarely I went to meet my widow mother and my divorcee elder sister.

Magar Ronnie toh apni family se always closely attached hi raha hai.Uski mom kaafi arsey pehle guzar chuki thi, may be more than 15years ago. But his dad didn't remarry. Apne teeno ladke, Richie, Rocky aur Ronnie ko unho ne mom and dad dono ka pyar diya. His dad never interfered in the decisions of his sons.
But always guided them in proper fatherly way. Is'se ghar ka atmosphere kaafi free and friendly raha. As a result father and the 3 brothers were quite attached to each other. But even more, Ronnie apne middle bro Rocky se toh bahut jyada attached tha, as compared to the eldest Richie. uun dono mein age-difference hardly 2saal ka hi tha, may be, yeh ek wajah hogi. Aise friend-like-family ko chhor kar Ronnie mere saath rehne aa gaya, just for me. And what he recieve from me, just unjustice and pain.

Tabhi maine fir darwaaze par fir se dastak suni. Jo bhi tha bahar woh ab jyada betaab ho raha tha. Maine darwaza khola, ekdam casually without any anxiety, magar bahar nazar karte hi meri saans thamm gayi.

Ronnie tha waha..Ronnie aaya tha mere ghar magar bilkul khush nahi lag raha tha woh. maine dekha woh kaafi ruuva sa aur thaka hua dikh rha tha.

"What the hell, Nikhil?" -usne zor se chillate hue kaha. Meri chhati par haath se dhakka dekar usne muje pichhe dhakela aur aage, andar aaya firr apne pichhe zor se darwaaza bandh kar diya Woh kaafi gussey mein lag rha tha. Uska itna aggressive hona kaafi nayi baat thi. It wasn't in his nature, Aur waise bhi ham-dono kabhi ek duje par ek ungli tak nahi rakhte thhe. toh uska aise muje dhakka de kar andar aana..

I was stunned, genuinely shocked at seeing Ronnie so Ronnie. Hamari for par ki conversation koi arguement nahi thi. Maine toh usey koi bura-bhala nahi kaha tha.

"What's wrong?" -mai hairani se bol pada.

"What the fuck was that phone call about?" -woh chillaya- "You ring and go on saying about how you feel about me, tell me that you're sorry and all that shit, but then just hang up the phone on me ? What does that even mean..?"

mai hakka-bakka sa dekhtra rha usey. woh emotionally kaafi tuuta hua dikh raha tha. ek hi waqt mein rota aur chillata hua bhi... kuch bhi kehne ke liye mai kaafi confused tha. maine aisi confrontation kabhi bhi expect nahi ki thi. Honesty, muje kuch samaz mein nahi aa rha tha.

"huh?" -mai itna hi bol paya

"Is it...is it over?" -woh rote hue bola, uska gussa achanak gayab ho gaya- "Is that what you were trying to tell me..?"

"No..." -mai sans liye bina bol pada. uska chehra apni hatheliyo mein lekar maine kaha- "No...I was just telling you that I want you to be happy, Ronnie. And if that means not being with me...then I can understand. You're all I care about."

I could see the turmoil in his eyes. Clearly, he didn't want us to come to an end, lekin kuul kar meri baanho mein aane ke liye bhi woh ready nahi tha.

Aankho mein nami ke saath ham-dono ek duje ko dekhte rahe. Kash.. mai uske dil mein fir se bharosa kar paau.

Tabhi woh achanak aage badha aur muje apni baaho mein bhar kar muje deep-kiss karne laga. indeed, yeh ek surprise thi mere liye..

definitely a surprose..

magar ek pal ki iis surprise ke baad, maine apne aap ko samhaal liya aur usey co-operate karne laga.

do-teen pal ki woh deep kiss, kuch der baad ek halki fulki si innocent kiss ban gayi, jismein koi vaasna nahi thi. Agar tha, toh bass ek duje ke liye ka pyaar. .

Ek duje ko baaho mein bharte hue bina apne muuh ko alag kiye hue ham dono sofa par baith gaye and we continued it for much much more longer time.

.

.

.

kaafi der ke baad..jab mai jaaga toh Ronnie ab bhi meri baaho mein tha. Ham dono ki aankh lag gayi thi kuch waqt ke liye. Mai kaafi relieved feel kar rha tha, ke iis ka kuch toh matlab nikalta hoga jo meri favour mein tha. agar ham dono ki relationship ka bright-future na hota, toh woh saamne se muje kiss na karta. aur uske baad bhi ham dono ne ek duje ko countless kisses ki thi. usne muje yeh jataya ke usne bhi muje utna hi miss kiya tha, jitna ke maine usey. 

I too hope that I was been able to make him feel loved, and made him believe that every ounce of my compassion, was meant for him, and him only.

mere siney par apna chehre rakh kar, woh meri baaho mein leita hua tha, Mai uski har ek detail nihaarta raha.uske naazuk patle honth, uske sharp-cheekbones, jo ke uske chehre ko itna jyada handsome banate thhe. And his eyes...those incredible eyes which, even while closed, were amazing with their long, feathery eyelashes. I couldn't believe how much I loved him. We made the perfect team, which was proven while obtaining our this home.

Meri sister ki la-ilaaj bimaari ki treatment ke kharche ki wajah se, iis ghar ke installments dene mein jab muje financially problems aane lagi thi, tab bhi maine apni sister ko help dene ka jaari rakhne ke decide kiya tha..

magar mere decision mein usne koi dakhal-andaazi nahi di thi.

.

Usne khud bhi ek extra part-time job kar li. Waise toh woh ek MNC mein HR Dept mein tha, toh waisa aur koi kaam usey milne se raha. Tab usne ek gande se beer-bar mein late evening mein cashier ka job kar liya Mai chahta tha ke Ronnie woh kaam jald se jald chhor de. But he was determined to get us out of the financial crisis.

Ham house-rent na de paate toh deposit tak forfiet ho sakti thi, but Ronnie came out with flying colours in such crucial time of our relationship.

Magar maine uske har effort ko dishonour kar diya, Aasif ko hamre bedroom mein le aa karke.

Ab yeh sab picche chhut jaane wala hai, uus baat ke ehsaas se relaxed feel karte hue, maine usey apni baaho mein khincha. Magar ek halke se effort ke saath woh chehra pichhe le gaya.

"Come on," -I coaxed- "I've missed you so much."

Ronnie ke expressions kuchh relaxed hue. Woh muje lovingly dekhta raha aur bola -"I too missed you.I don't want to lose you again, Nikhil. I can't... you know? I couldn't have cope-up without you."

'cope-up' se uska matlab tha...saamna karna, mukabla karna..! yes, apne bhai Rockie ko miss karne ki apni ladaai ki woh baat kar raha tha.

mai samaj sakta hu ke woh loss uske liye kaafi jordaar saabit hua tha. Ham-dono ke break-up ne muje jitna todd diya tha, toh khuda na karey, agar Ronnie ko kuch ho jaaye to meri kya condition hogi..uus khyaal se hi mai daar jata hu. Aise mein Ronnie ko apni jaan-se-bhi-jyada-aziz bhai ki maut ka sadma kitna gehra hoga.. I can very well understand,

magar fir bhi,

Rocky ki maut ko 2saal ho gaye hai,aur aaj 2saal ke baad bhi usey itna difficult kyo ho raha hai, woh muje tajjub sa lag raha tha. shayad jis tarike se Rocky ki maut hui thi, woh baat hi iske liye jimmedar hogi.yeh ek gehra shock de gayi hogi. Abhi bhi Ronnie darr or dard ke maare, chikhta chillata aise jaag uthta hai, jisey witness karna ek horrible baat hoti hai. woh apni chest ko dabakar masalta rehta hai, maano usey saans bhi lene mein taqlif ho rahi ho.
pure kamre mein yaha-waha woh aise daudta-bhagta hai jaise abhi kuch hi pal mein woh nervous break-down ka shikaar hone wala ho.

Woh muje lovingly dekhta raha aur bola -"I too missed you.I don't want to lose you again, Nikhil. I can't... you know, I couldn't have cope-up without you."

"I'm not going anywhere," -maine mulayam suur mein kaha- "I love you more than anything, Ronnie."

suddenly uski aankho mein udaasi chha gayi aur usne apni aankhe chura li. mere siney mein apna sar chhupa liya aur apni ungliya mere peit mei chubha kar dabochne laga.

"What's wrong..? -maine puccha ."Nothing.." -gehri soch mein dubi hui uski aawaz aayi.

"I promise I'll never hurt you again, Ronnie. I promise I'll spend forever making it up to you."

"I think it's too late," -usne fir roni si aawaz mein kaha-  " I don't hope this pain will ever go away."

Galey aur aankho se uske aansu muje sunnai dene lage.

"It will Ronnie, Please don't lose faith in us," -I whispered, magar muje khud ko meri iis baat pe vishwaas nahi tha.

muje daar tha ke meri iis dhokhe baazi ka saaya lambe arsey tak hamari relationship par padta rahega, chaahe mai kitni bhi koshish karu mere diye hue iin ghaavo ko bharne ke liye.

.

Ronnie halke se khada hua. mai bhi bina-marzi ke us'se alag hokar baith gaya. Uske saath ki iis physical closeness ab khatm honey ja rahi thi.. muje andaza aa gaya ke ab Ronnie fir se hamari problem ke baare mai baat karne wala hai.

"I can't stop picturing the two of you. And thinking about who else you've been with, and when..."

yes, I was right...mera andaza sahi nikla.

"Ronnie, please," -maine apni aawaz soft rakhte hue kaha, kyo ke mai maanta tha ke usey haq tha yeh baat chhedne ka. magar khudgarzi se mai yehi chahta tha, ke hamari relationship aise jaari rahe, maano kuch nahi hua hai. muje koi marzi nahi thi fir se uus baat ko chhedne ki. as if hamara koi relationship-breakdown hua hi na ho.

"I should go.." -usne ek thandi saans lete hue kaha aur apne kapde theek thaak karne laga.

.

Mai uske handsome jism ko niharta raha. bikhri hui zulfo ke chalte woh photoshop ke kisi model ki tarah khubsurat lag raha tha.

"We can get through this, you know," -maine kaha uus ummid ke saath ke woh meri baat mein rahe vishwaas ko suun sakey.

Achanak hi Ronnie muje kaafi thaka hua lagne laga..uski palke bhaari si..aankho ke nichey black circles..aadha khula hua uska muuh, jo uskey chehre ko aur lamba sa dikhane laga tha.yes, maine hi usey itna thaka hua depressed bana diya tha.

apne kandho ko jhatka dekar meri baato ko unsuna karte hue woh chal diya.mai uske pichhey pichey gaya.."Ronnie," usey apni aarms mein lete hue maine kaha- "Come here."

"I wanna go to see Rocky," -mere kandho mein chhipi hui uski siski ko maine suuna. toh maine usey aur bhi tightly hug kiya.. uski pain ko thodi relief miley iis ummid se.mai chahta tha ke mai uus mein firse woh confidence inject kar paau, jo ek waqt usmein hua karti thi. "Just relax Ronnie..You've got me, -maine halke se kaha.

yeh suun kar woh achanak roney laga. Maine usey aur sakhti se jakad liya Tab zor se woh mujse alag ho gaya aur mere gaal par ek thappad maar di.

I was shocked.

koi zordaar thappad nahi thi, magar yeh aisi harkat thi jo usne kabhi bhi pehle ki nahi thi..

"Fuck you, Nikhilesh Mahajan..!" -he wept- "I haven't got you; I've never had you. Never."aur muje hakka-bakka sa chhor kar woh ghar se bhaag nikla.

muje uske pichhe daudna chahiye tha..magar mai nahi dauda kyo ke usey thodi space dene ka maine decide kar liya tha. maine usey aise ladke mein tabdeel kar diya tha, jisey mai khud bhi na pehchaan paau. ab muje, usey waapas paane ke liye, koi nayi strategy ke baare mein sochna tha.

sab mess ho chuka tha.. ek pal mein woh meri feelings ko positive response deta hai, toh dusre hi pal hamari relationship ke aage ek bada sa question mark lagate hue muje chhor kar bhaag nikalta hai.

kaise karna, kya karna, kuch samaz main nahi aata tha, magar mai itna toh jaanta tha ke muje iis masle ko beech mein nahi chhor dena hai, chaahe kitna bhi complex yeh kyo na bann jata ho..

.

Shower lene ke baad muje bhukh lagne lagi tab muje Soloman ka khayal aaya. muje laga ke muje Soloman ko sms karna chaiye. jis tarah mai uske saath pesh aaya tha, muje us'se maafi maangni chaiye. Woh ek achcha ladka hai.

.

`Hey. I'm sorry about earlier; I completely lost it and I shouldn't have.' -maine sms kiya.

fauran uska replya aaya -`It's ok. I'm here if you need to talk.'

.

kaafi achcha feel hua muje..yeah, I need someone to talk.. meri life mein yeh jo kuch ho raha hai usey kisi ke saath ab muje share karna hi tha. Toh jyada kuch soche bina maine Soloman ko coffee ke liye mere ghar invite kar diya. Woh abhi apne ghar nahi pahucha tha. On the way tha, toh usne mera invitation kubul kar liya it was already 10pm magar fir bhi woh mere ghar aane ko taiyaar ho gaya.

Aur mai uski wait karne laga..                  (contd..)

~ I'm Sorry (6) ~ A Gay Love Story By Ashit Maje

Soloman ke jaane ke baad, mai cabin mein akela reh gaya.Ronnie ki yaad hardam aati rahi, maine khud ne khade kiye hue, aise haalaat se ab mai thakne laga tha, apne aap par gussa aa raha tha muje. Ronnie ko bahut jyada miss karne laga tha mai.
.

kal raat waali kiss meri aankho ke saamne ubharti rahi.How wonderful the kiss was.
.
Dopahar ke baad maine Ronnie ko message karne ko socha. Kaise start karu kuch samaj mein nahi aa rha tha, toh bass kuch simple tarike se maine likha -"How you feeling..?"
.
Mai jaanta tha, ke circumstances ko dhyan mein rakhte hue, yeh ek stupid question tha,magar achraj ke beech, usne fauran reply diya mere sms ka, jo ke ek achchi sign thi, aisa muje laga.Magr uski reply koi positive nahi thi.

"Like a Shit.." -usne reply mein likhkar bheja.

"Sorry. Can I come see you..? We could go out somewhere..' -I replied.

`No. Not tonight.' -uski reply aayi..

uski naa padhkar mera dil baith gaya. Magar sirft aaj ki raat ke liye mana kiya hai, hamesha ke liye nahi. Iska matlab toh achcha hi samajna chahiye, aisa muje laga.ya aisa toh nahi, ke mai kuch jyada hi ummid baadh kar baitha hu..?

Aage kya likhna chahiye woh fir se ek confusion ho gayi. Mai decide nahi kar paya ke usey raazi karne ke liye muje aur bhi try karni chahiye

ya ke fir, usey kuch space deni chahiye kuch waqt ke liye.Jitna aur waqt usey mai deta woh muje aur bhi jyada khatm karte jata tha.

Ab..

fir se ek raat without Ronnie ke rehna ki baat, mere liye bardaasht ke bahar tha. Tabhi mere khayalo ko interrupt karne kisi ne meri cabin par dastak di.

"Come in.." -mai ne aawaz di, magar saath saath maine ronnie ko sms bhej diya -"I love you"

Soloman andar aaya, chehre par ek sympathic smile liye hue. Mood kharab hone ki wajah se muje aisa hi lag raha tha, ke woh saala maska maarne aaya hai. Magar andar hi andar dil mein, mai jaanta tha ke woh actually aisa nahi kar rha hai.

"I don't know what's going on in your life right now." -usne sympathy ke saath kaha- "But I think you could do with a beer and a chat."

"That's a nice offer Soloman, but –" -ek thandi aah ke saath maine kehna shuru kiya, ke usne meri baat kaat di

"I'm not taking NO for an answer. For the full day, you have had a face as if someone has slapped on your ass. Dude, you clearly need some cheering up."

ek chhoti si smile di maine, woh bhi jabardasti se. mera koi mood nahi bann raha tha bahar jaane ke liye.

"Come on Nikhil." -usne request ki- "You'll have fun. Let me try to change the atmosphere around you. "Mai aage kuch kahu, us'se pehle..

"Even if you don't feel like talking about what's going on with you, at least I can tell you all about my one night fun of last night." -usne aankh maarte hue kaha.

"Fine.. one drink.." -maine apni haar maan li.

"Good" -He smiled- "Let's go then, its already 4 o'clock..!"

maine usey ek weak smile dete hue apna Laptop switch-off kiya aur apne fon par ke nazar daali,

magar meri mayusi ke beech, Ronnie ka koi sms nahi aaya tha.

I hope you still love me, -I thought painfully...

"Cheers.. " -Town ke baahar ek silent si Restaurant mein beer ke glass takraane ki mithi awaaz ke beech woh chehak utha

"Cheers to you to Mate.." -apne aap ke liye sorry feel karte hue, maine uski khushi ki dua ki.

But in between, ek nazar uske upar-niche daalna mai rok nahi paya.His well fitted black trousers showed off his cute little ass and he was wearing a dark blue shirt.He had such a nice slender body.His hair looked good too; slightly ruffled with a few stands sweeping across his face.

After a while, kuch relaxation feel hone lagi, jiski muje sach mein jarurat thi.

"So...how was your `date'  last night then?" -woh muje kuch puchhe is'sey pehle maine usey casually puchha.

"Yaar,  he was hot..! But surprisingly very easy, if you know what I mean..! We were only chatting for about half an hour I think, and he all of a sudden, he told that he wanted me to fuck him.."

"Really..?" -maine ek hansi ke saath usey pucha.mai uus waqt ka Soloman ka chehra imagine karne laga, jaise kisi ne usey kisi plate mein aisa sexy ladka offer kar diya ho.Soloman jitna simple tha, us'se muje doubt tha, ke woh aisi forwardness ka aadi tha ke nahi. Mostly woh kaafi shy type ka hi ladka tha.

"I was literally speechless..yaar..!" -woh bol pada

"I beleive that you said yes then.. of course after the initial shock..! Where did you do it..? did you go back to his place ?"

"No..He didn't have any. But I could manage. A friend's house is empty these days. We had sex, then we talked for a little while, and then he left. That was it. He didn't seem to want to stick around for long..!"

"That's a shame yaar. Well hopefully it did not affect your 'performance', right..?." -I teased him.

"Indeed not..!" -He laughed- "It was after a long period, but still I did not lose my hand. I was a great performer.. !"

"No reason for me to doubt.." -I smiled- "So..? what was his name?"

"Ronnie." -usne casually kaha-. "His name was Ronnie."

Chaunk gaya mai..

"You fucking what..?" -mai gusse se uchhal pada- "You slept with Ronnie?"

fauran ek darr, ek jealousy ne mere dil-o-dimaag par kabza kar liya.

Mere dil ki dhadkan itni badh gayi ke mere tharr-thaar kaampte hue haatho ko beer ke glaas ka vazan bhi nahi uthaya ja saka.

Maine glass niche rakh diya aur mai Soloman ki taraf dekhta raha, haraamzaada kuch reply de uske intazaar mein.

Mere dimaag mein visuals ubhar aaye, usko Ronnie ke purey badan ko touch karte hue.

Usne Ronnie ke saath enjoy kiya..? jaise mai Ronnie ko kilkaariyaa bharwata hu, kya iis kutte ne bhi waise hi kiya hoga?

Ek ghutan si hone lagi muje.Meri aankho mein nami chhane lagi magar us'se uun dono ki intimate chhabi dhundli nahi ho pa rahi thi.

Dono ke nange badan, dono ki zubaan ek dusre mein ulajti hui..!

aargh..!

kitna bimaar kar denewala, kitna dard paida karnewala khyal tha yeh.

"You...know him..?" -haklaate hue Soloman aage kuch bol na paya

"Know him..?" -maine khade hote hue kaha- "He's my fucking boyfriend..!"

apni mutthiya bhinste hue mai uske maathe par jhuka rha.Gussey ki ya taqlif ki, pata nahi kaunsi expression mere chehre par jyada ubhri hui thi.

"No, Nikhil" -usne kaampte hue kaha- "No, He has never even heard the name of the company where I work. Your boy-friend must be at least knowing where you work."

Mai kuch relieved hua.

But wait..

yeh bhi possible hai ke Ronnie ne us'se juuth kaha ho.

"What does your Ronnie look like..?" -Soloman ne desperate hote hue puchha- "You have a photo on your cell-phone?"

Mera haath apne fon par gaya,tab hi muje khyaal aaya ke yeh toh naya handset hai, just a week purana.

Kuch dino pehle Ronnie ke saath sea-shore par masti mein kuch dhyaan hi nahi raha tha jab mere upper-pocket se mera fon dariya mein gir gaya tha.

Muskil se contacts and calender wala data hi transfer ho paya hai is'mein.

Pics and music wala section toh bilkul khaali hai.

"You tell me first," -maine daant piste hue kaha- "so I may know that you aren't bullshitting me."

"Ok.. Well, he was about my height," -ek saans rok kar apne aap ke prepare karte hue woh bola.

Check. Sahi hai. Ronnie ki bhi height utni hai, Soloman ke jitni, mujse 4inch short, -maine socha

"Same as my age...." -woh aage bola

Check.. fir se sahi.

"Dark hair..."

Check.

"He was wearing a...dark green t-shirt and Jeans.." -he continued.

Fir mai thoda relaxed ho gaya,

Ronnie kal raat mere ghar se gaya, tab usne aisi koi tshirt nahi pehni thi.

But wait..

muje realise hua..usne apne dad ke ghar mein dress-change toh ki hi hogi, shayad. Aur kal raat maine usey kaun se tshirts pack karke diye thhe, I dont remember.

"Slim..."

Fucking.. check again.

"Erm...brown eyes...I think?"

"You think?" -gussey se meri aawaz tarrane lagi thi

Yeh sahi mein gussa dilane waali baat thi..

I just wanted to know for sure, if it was my Ronnie he had been with...

"I...I can't really remember. But I'm almost certain his eyes were brown."

"What about his cock?" -maine besharmi se puucha.

Soloman seham gaya ek pal ke liye.

Apne boy-friend ko identify karne ke liye maine kitna behuda sahara liya hai, uus bbat se woh hairaan reh gaya.

Ronnie uncut tha. Lekin woh christian tha.

Har muslim ki tarah har christian 'cut' nahi hota. 'Uncut' hona chiristian mein kaafi common baat hai.

Toh mera Ronnie bhi uncut tha.

"C...cut.." -aisi intimate detail ko refer karne mein hone waali kuch embarrassment ke saath woh bola-  "Definitely cut."

Honesty, uus waqt hui thi woh relief ko bayaan karne ke words muje nahi mil rahe hai

"You sure..?" -saaf mehsuus ki jaane wali trembling ke saath maine pucha.

Ro padne waali sensation se mai ladd raha hu, yeh baat us'se chhipi nahi reh payi thi.

"Promise. I promise he was cut." -usne muje assurance di.iis ke saath mai chal diya, uus restaurant ke bahar.

Achanak paida hui situation se Soloman ko ekdam shocked rakh kar, mai apni bike par sawaar ho gaya. Woh mere saath meri bike par hi yaha aise remot-area ke restaurant mein aaya tha, toh meri duty thi usey town mein aisi jagah le ja kar drop karne ki, jaha se usey taxi mil paaye.

Magar itna sochne ki taqat nahi thi uus waqt mere mein.uus waqt to bass, mein chhutkaara pa rha tha, aise khayalo se ke mai Ronnie ko cheat karte hue pakad raha hu.

Ghar pahuch kar bike park karne ke baad girte-samhalte mai darwaaze tak aaya.Aur andar ja kar darwaza bandh karne ke saath hi.. I collapsed onto the floor, and sobbed my fucking heart out.

May be for an hour so, mai yehi haalat mein raha.

fir maine apna fon nikala.

Muje laga ke muje kaafi relief mil gayi thi, magar fir bhi Ronnie ko Soloman ke saath imagine karne ki baat muje ab bhi utni hi taqleef de rahi thi jitni ki pehle, jab yeh clear nahi hua tha ke woh ladka kaun tha.

Ronnie mujse cheat kar rha hai, woh idea hi bahut intense aur excruciating tha.

Magar abhi jo hua us'sey bhi jyada jis baat ne muje dhakka pahuchaya, woh yeh yeh feel karna ke Ronnie ne kaise feel kiya hoga jab usne muje unfaithful discover kiya tha.

Muje iis peeda ka pehle ehsaas nahi tha.

Magar ab iis ehsaas ko khud bhugatne ke baad mai apne aap ko aur bhi jyada dhikkaarne laga. Apne dhile dhaale haatho se maine Ronnie ko fon lagaya.

Maine apni sisikiyo ko control mein rakhna ki koshish bhi kari, magar sab fruitless hui.

"Ronnie?" -woh fon ko answer kare ussey pehle mai desperate hota chala- "Ronnie. I'm so sorry. I'm so fucking sorry."

muje koi idea nahi ke apni siskiyo ke beech maine jo kuchh kaha usey woh samaj paya ke nahi, magar maine apni baatein jaari rakhi.

"I love you so much. I can't believe what I've done to you, Ronnie. I can't believe I took the risk of hurting you so many times. I can't believe that I even looked at another man. No one compares to you. Ronnie, no one. I love you. I love you so much."

.

Mai apna dil khol kar fon par undelne laga, tab bich bich mein uski siskiyo ki awaaz aati rahi.

Maine usey bataya ke mai kabhi bhi aise kisi person se nahi mila hu jisne muje Ronnie ki tarah sukh diya ho.

Maine usey yeh bhi kaha ke maine jab jab usey perfect kaha hai tab tab usmein koi jyaadti nahi thi.

Maine kaha ke woh khush rehne ko, ek devta ki tarah treat paane ko, actually deserve karta hai.

Jitni ho sakey, maine uski sarahna ki, iis ummid se nahi ke mai usey wapas jeet saku,aur na hi uski chaplusi karne ko.

I praised him because I truely meant it.

Mere dukhte hue dil ke saath maine usey kaha, ke mai usey khush dekhna chahta hu, chahe iiska matlab yeh ho ke woh mere saath na bhi rahe.

Finally jab mai saans lene ke liye ruuka,

toh fon mere haath se sarak kar niche gir gaya.

Main farsh par hi baitha raha,

waise hi.. jab tak ke kisi ne darwaaze par knock kiya..  (contd..)

~ I'm Sorry (Part - 5) ~ A Gay Love Story By Ashit Maje

Ek hi sentence mein Ronnie ne 2 baat aisi kahi, jo muje dhakka de gayi.Pehli yeh ke woh ab ghar ja rha hai,aur dusri yeh, ke mai usey hamare bedroom se usey kuch kapde la kar du.

.

Mai usey kisi bhi baat par blame nahi kar sakta tha.Mai samaj sakta tha ke Aasif ko mere saath hamare bedroom mein dekhne ke baad, woh uus bedroom mein jaane ko taiyaar nahi tha,usey meri dhokhedaari ki boo aati hogi pure bedroom mein..Khudgarzi ke saath maine usey sofa par soney ke liye raazi karna chaha, magar usey akela rehna tha aur kuch space chahiye thi, hamari relationship ka analysis karne ko.

Muje chhor kar jaane ki uski baat mere dil mein ek heavy feeling create karne lagi thi. Kya agar woh waapas nahi aaya toh..? usey milne ki fir se muje permission nahi dega toh..?

Aakhir helplessly maine uski baat maan li.Woh bathroom mein gaya kuch toiletries laane ko aur main bedroom me gaya.Ronnie ki hamare bedroom mein aa pane ki inability ke liye guilty feel karte hue, maine ek overnight-bag nikali.Usmein ek jeans aur do-ek shirts bhare. socks aur boxer bhi daal diye.Maine is'se jyada kuch nahi bhara, kyo ke mai nahi chahta tha ke woh jyada din mujse duur rahe.Agar muje milne ki usey koi jaldi na bhi ho, toh bhi apna saaman lene ke liye usey aana padey yehi maqsad tha mera, iiske pichhe.

"When will I see you again?" -helplessly mai itna hi keh paaya kyo ke meri tuut'ti hui himmat ke saath meri aawaaz bhi tuutne lagi thi

"I don't know." -meri taraf dekhe bina, woh bhi utne hi aahista bola,

Mere haath kaampne lage thhe, aur mere siney mein bhi ajeeb si pain shuru ho gayi thi.Uski taraf jhuuk kar maine apne haath uski taraf badhaaye aur uske gaalo par rakhe, jo ke kaafi garm magar kuchh chipchipe ho gaye thhe, sukhe hue aansuo ki wajah se


Ronnie ne mere haatho ko hataya nahi. Balke usne apni aankhe muund li. Apne chehre ko mere haatho ki aur jhuuka diya. Shayad meri touch se behtar feel kar raha tha, woh.

usey touch karne diya is'se ek ehsaanmandi ki, ek gratefullness ki kuch feelings aa gayi mere mann mein. Woh kuch relax feel karne laga tha, jiski wajah se uski khubsurati bhi badhti chali. Mai shayad apna naseeb aazma raha tha, magar jab maine apne honth uske honth tak le gaya toh usne koi resist nahi kiya.

Uske aise reaction se mai kuch tensd feel karne laga, yehi dua karta raha kahi woh apne aap ko pichhe na hata de.and yes, usne nahi hataya apne aap ko pichhe..balke usne actually muje kiss-back bhi kiya.

The sensation that swept over me, was amazing; it was a mixture of relief, hope and comfort.

We began to slowly kiss each other, lovingly and passionately.It was clear that he had missed this, as much as I had. We continued that way for a couple of minutes at least,and every second of it was soothing the raging emotional pain and was also fuelling my hope.

magar yeh jyada der nahi chala.All of a sudden usne ek kadam pichhe hatt kar, apne aap ko mujse alag kar diya.

"Ronnie?" -I gasped with disbelief.

"I can't do this." -He sobbed, before opening the door and darting through it.

"Ronnie." -I pleaded- "Come back please."

magar kuch nahi asar hua uus par. Apni car mein baith kar woh chala gaya. meri jitni bhi pain, kuchH der ke liye jo gayab ho chuuki thi, woh fir laut aayi. Mai andar aaya aur sidha apne bed par ja gira. I was feeling fucking DEFEATED..

Dusre din office jaane ka koi irada nahi tha mera. Magar mai yeh bhi jaanta tha ke office mein ja kar, kuch kaam karne se hi mai apni spirits ko lift kar paunga.

Jaise hi mai office ki meri cabin mein settle hua, ke kaafi cheerful mood lekar Soloman andar aaya.

"Morning Nikhil..!" -woh chehak utha- "You alright? You look knackered..!"

"yeah fine, " -maine thodi berukhi ke saath jawaab diya.

Aaj muje koi parwah nahi ho rahi thi kisi ko ek smile tak dene ki, even Soloman ko bhi nahi. Aaj fir yeh ek thakane wala din hoga, waise muje lag rha tha..

"Late night with the boyfriend?" -usne meri taraf wink karte hue kaha.

"Kaash, aisa hota.." -maine socha.

In the whole office, sirf Soloman hi tha, jo mere gay honey ki baat se waakif tha.

Yey kuchh 7-8 mahine pahle ki baat hai.Tab mai social gay-site par 'stud4u' ke screen-name ke saath jor-shor se dating karta tha. magar PlanetRomeo ke ghise-pitey bando se chhutkara paane ke liye, maine adam4adam mein apna pfofile bana liya tha, bcoz tab yeh site jyada popular nahi thi.toh I felt ke jo bhi dating hogi, uus mein jaane-pehchane logo ki risk nahi hogi.

mai aisa chahta tha, kyo ke mai Ronnie ke knowledge ke baahar dating karta tha. aur jitna chhupa reh saku yeh, mere liye aur Ronnie ke saath meri relationship ke liye, behtar hoga. aur fir iis site par sab chehre naye naye honge yeh extra benefit bhi tha.

ek subah maine ek 23saal ke ladke ke saath pic-swap ki,apni pic bhejne ke baad uski pic jab dekhi, toh woh 35 se kam nahi lag rha tha.Woh juuth bol raha tha, ya uska chehra hi aisa tha, I didn't know; neither I cared about it,.kyo ke muje koi interest nahi tha uus mein.toh uske ek bhi message ko reply kiye bina hi, mein thoda sa mayuus ho kar dusre kaamo mein busy ho gaya.

after half an hour maine fir se log-on kiya, toh tabhi meri screen par ek msg blink hone laga.khol kar padha toh mai chaunk gaya. CuteLover4u naamke kisi bande ne likha tha: "Hey handsome, your pic is shown publicly, hope you know about it."

chaunk kar maine check kiya.yes, one of my clear face-pic was displayed in my profile. uus 35saal wale ladke ko pic bhejne ke baad, by some mistake meri pic public-display par aa jaaye waisi setting-change ho gayi thi, without my knowledge.

Maine fauran woh setting ki mistake ko rectify kar li.Thank god within 30mins I was able to clear off this blunder -maine socha- warna pata nahi kaun kaun dekh leta iisey, by any chance Ronnie ka friend dekh leta toh..?

phew..!.

maine uus CuteLover4u ko thanx ka msg bhej diya..I was so grateful to him that I can't describe. Aise caring aur loving bando ki wajah se hi gay-world kaayam hai, aisi feelings mere dil mein paida hui.par tabhi muje khayal aaya ke aise toh kai ek bold bande hai, jo deliberately apni pic apni profile mein display karte hai,toh kya yeh CuteLover4u, sab ko aisa msg bhejta hoga...? maine fauran usey msg kiya- "thanx once again buddy, but do you msg such, to all the guys who shows their pic publicly..?"

.

immediatly uska reply aaya- "Not to all, Handsome, only to him who i know, is not that bold or out to show his face to all the members of this site."

"ohh,, but how did you know I'm a discreet guy..? do you know me personally..? have we met b4..?" -maine apni curiosity jataayi.

"hahaha.. relax Nikhil Mahajan, don't get so tensed.. you are safe in my hand" -uska msg aaya.

fuck..

yeh banda toh muje pehchaan gaya hai.yeh mera puura naam bhi jaanta hai, matlab he is very close to me.Koi friend ya friend's friend hota, toh sirf mera first naam jaanta, mera last name kabhi nahi.

Who can he be..?


airconditioned cabin mein bhi muje pasine chhutne lage.Ronnie ka bhai hua toh..? woh to straight hai.. but still yaar u can't be sure about anything..

apni chat aage jaari rakhu us'se pehle hi woh log-off kar chuka tha.whole of my day, yehi tension mein guzara ke kaun ho sakta hai woh..

dusre din subah mai apni cabin mein guum-suum baitha tha, uus site par log-on karne ka dil nahi ho raha tha,ek anjaana darr, ek replusion paida ho rahi thi,.

Tabhi, Soloman knock kar ke meri cabin mein aaya."Hello, Nikhil Mahajan, how's the day..? hope u are fine..?"

Mai chaunk gaya..Soloman muje hamesha Nikhil keh kar hi bulata tha.Woh mera full name jaanta tha, office mein har koi ek dusre ka full-name jaante hai,magar kabhi woh full name lekar baat nahi karta tha,toh fir aaj kyo..?

muje pichhle din ki yaad aa gayi..kya woh Soloman hi tha jo CuteLover4u ke screen-name ke saath mujse chat kar rha tha.?

uske sawaal ka adha-adhura jawaab de kar, usey jyada entertain kiye bina hi, apne kaam mein laga rahne ka show-off karta raha,toh woh chala gaya..

maine fir uus site par log-on kiya.woh ladka bhi on-line tha.mai wait karta raha, ke uska koi msg aaye..magar woh suspence creat karte hue, waise hi idle raha.

aakhir maine initiate kiya.

"hey, you didn't tell me how u know me.."

"is it necessary to tell you about me..? I dont think so..!"

"yeah, it is necessary. Look mate, I'm sure you know me very closely. As a well-wisher, u drew my attention to my pic, and for this i'm thankful to you. But now u are increasing my tension too. All the guys I'm facing since yesterday, makes me think whether he is the guy who knows that I'm a gay. Just break the ice buddy. You dont know I am so tired since yesterday simply guessing who you can be.."

"hahaha.. relax Nikhil Mahajan, if ever I wanted you to stay tensed, I wouldn't have given you hint few minutes ago.".

Ohhh.. toh yeh soloman hi tha..I got damn sure about it now...

Mai log-off kar diya.This was horrible. Soloman abhi last 6months se hi iis comapny mein join kiya tha and I was senior next to him. Woh ek israeli-jew ladka tha, aisi caste, jisey mai bilkul trust na karu.aur ab ek israeli meri life ka wo raaz jaanta tha, which I couldn't afford anyone to know about, specially in the company where I was building up my career extensively, day by day.

Toh despite being senior to him, mai kabhi us'se aankh mila kar baat nahi kar sakunga..leave aside giving orders to him.

muje ab iis ladke se gussa aa rha tha.usne muje warn kar ke meri pic ko public hone se bacha liya tha, yeh baat ab mere liye jyada important nahi thi.Uus ka woh ehsaan ab apna weightage kho chuka tha.

of course uska koi fault nahi tha, magar fir bhi muje uuspar gussa aa rha tha, ke woh mera yeh raaz kyo jaan gaya..

uus din aur na hi dusre din bhi, mai aur Soloman jab bhi miley, uus ne iis baat ka koi zikr nahi kiya and neither did I. But yeah, hamdono ne uus site par 3-4 baar chat kiya, jis'se muje yeh ladka kaafi comforting laga. aur uski aur se koi bhi darr jaisa nahi lagne par, mai aanewale dino mein us'se kaafi relaxed feel karne laga,aur office mein bhi ham dono ka behaviour kaafi normal hone laga.

But still yet, apni baato mein hamdono, ek dusre ke gay hone ki baat ka kabhi bhi koi reference ya hint nahi dete thhe. Even thou ke uus site par woh muje 'handsome' keh kar hi bulata tha, magar kabhi usne muje aisa signal nahi diya ke woh mujme interested hai.whatever..

magar aaj.."Late night with the boyfriend..?" -Soloman ne meri taraf wink karte hue kaha. uske chehre par koi anjaani si khushi chhalak rahi thi.

"hmmm.." -mai sirf haami bhar ke ruuk gaya, aur fir uus topic ko change karne ke irade se puchha- "So..? why are you so happy with yourself this morning..?"

"I hooked up with a fittest guy, last night..!" -woh khilkhilate hue bola.

Woh aaj kuchh jyada hi khush tha, kisi se milne par.Itna Khush ke hamare uus unspoken-rule ko bhula kar woh openly gay baatien karne laga tha.

muje bhi aaj jarurat thi, kisi aise dil ki, jis ke aage mai kuch halka ho saku.Toh Soloman ki baato se muje koi uncomfort feel nahi hua.

"He was really nice. -usne jaari rakkha- I think he just wanted a 'one-night' thing though. And not that I mind too much about it."

"Didn't swap numbers then?"-I asked.

"Nah...So what's up with you then? Since yesterday you've not seemed yourself..?" -jo baat usey pinch kar rahi thi woh usne puchh hi daali.

6mahine pahle ke hamare chat-session ke through Soloman itna toh jaanta tha ke mai kisi ke saath long-term steady ja raha hu, magar uska naam etc ki jyada personal baate maine us'se share nahi kari thi.

kitna bhi maine chaha ke yeh baat mere aur Ronnie ke beech rahe..magar fir bhi meri aankhe bhar aayi.

"Just...not been sleeping well." -maine tar'raati hui aawaz mein kaha magar fir apne aap ko samhalte hue, apne laptop par kaam mein busy hone ka dhong karta raha.

"You sure...?" -He asked quietly.

"Yeah...but to be honest, it's not something I really wanna talk about . Thanks though." -maine softly and respectfully usey kaha. It was lovely of Soloman to be showing such concern, but I actualy, mai mood mein nahi tha.


"Well you know where I am, if ever you need me." -cabin se bahar nikalte hue woh bola.aur mai akela reh gaya fir se, apni cabin mein.. (Contd..)

~ I'm Sorry.. (Part-4) ~ Gay Love Story By Ashit Maje

"I AM happy with you!" -uttejit hokar mai chilla utha- "I don't want to fuck you the way I do the others..! I just want us to go back to how we were

before..!"
mai fauran chuup ho gaya jab maine dekha ke woh muje ghuur raha hai.
Woh ab upset aur shocked, dono lag raha tha.

"Others..? besides Aasif..? " -usne na maan'ne waali aawaz mein puchha.

ek dabi hui 'errr' mere hontho se nikal gayi jaise muje realise hua ke mai kya keh gaya.

"Aasif isn't the only guy you've cheated on me with?" -usne herat se kaampti hui aazaz mein pucha- "You've been fucking other people too..?"

kaash mai confidently juuth bol pata, ke haan, sirf Aasif akela hi tha, magar mere muh se koi labz bahar nahi nikal pa raha tha
Bass khula ka khula reh gaya mera muuh, jis'se mere gunaah mere chehre par bilkul saaf padhne laayak ho gaye.
Ronnie ke aansu achanak suukh gaye aur ab woh gusse se kadua ban'ne laga..

"How many `others' are there Nikhil..? How many other guys have you been fucking behind my back..?"

"Ronnie, please." -tar'raati hui aawaz mein maine kaha.

"Just fucking tell me Nikhil, how many?"

muje koshish karni thi yeh kehne ki, ke Aasif hi akela ladka tha jiske saath maine sex kiya hai, magar mai jaanta tha it yeh pointless hoga. Ronnie beokuuf

nahi tha.  Mai kab juuth bol raha hu ye taad lene ki hadd tak woh muje jaanta tha. Jab mai well-prepared hota hu toh mai achchi tarah juuth bol leta hu
magar aisi spontaneous situation mein toh kabhi nahi ho pata mujse.

Roniie muje taak raha tha jawaab ke intazaar mein.Aisa jawaab jo shayad ham dono ke beech ka sab kuch, fauran khatm kar de.

"I don't know..." -maine dhime suur mein kaha.

"What?" -disbelief se uski aawaz ruukne lagi thi- "You don't know..? Why? because you can't remember..?  or because there's been that many..?"
"Both." -meri aawaz bhi ruukne lagi thi, usey khone de darr ki wajah se

I was genuinely shocked at my own honesty. And I felt fucking devastated too. Mai imagine nahi kar sakta tha ke uus waqt Ronnie kaisa feel karta hoga. muje

chhor kar jaane se usey rokna ab bahut hi mushkil honewala tha woh mai jaan chuka tha.Meri taraf shocked nazaro se kuch pal dekhne ke baad, Ronnie, apna

chehra hatheliyo mein chhipa kar el teer ki tarah room se bhaag nikla.

"Ronnie..Ronnie listen please." -mai uske pichhe pichhe bhaga.

He sounded like he could barely breathe as he sobbed heavily and shouted at me to FUCK OFF.

 Uski baanh ko pakad kar usey meri taraf ghuma kar, maine usey meri aagosh mein le liya. muje darr tha...ek andesha tha muje...ke woh muje dhakka de dega.

magar ulta, woh meri baanho mein collapse ho kar, pura ka pura dil tuut kar bahar aa jaaye uus hadd tak rone laga..bilkul kamzori ke saath usne meri shirt

thaam li, aur mere kandho mein apna sar chhupa liya. Ham dono ab khade reh paane ke liye kaafi kamzor ho chale thhe,toh farsh par apne ghutno ke bal ho gaye.

Maine usey apni puri taaqat ke saath jakad liya yehi darr se, ke aainda woh kabhi bhi muje itni nazdikiyaan nahi paane dega.Mai uski mehak aur garmi se apne

aap ko behlaane laga.Uske mulayam baalo ko feel karna ek ajeeb sa sukuun baksh raha tha muje.uski uun chhoti chhoti qualities ke baare mein, mai sochne laga

jis'se mera dil-o-jaan hardam qaayal raha karte thhe, impressed hua karte thhe,  from the smoothness of his skin to his amazing cheerful energy which he

constantly expelled.

magar tabhi achanak usne apne aap ko meri pakad se riha kar liya

"Ronnie.."I love you so much."

"Get off me." -He wept- "I can't do this Nikhil...you have no idea how much you've hurt me."

"I never wanted to hurt you." -I cried- "It was just sex Ronnie, just meaningless sex. I've not had feelings for any of the men I've been with."

Ronnie meri pakad se riha ho kar ab apne pairo par khada ho gaya.Maine uske pairo ke ird-gird apni baanhe faila kar unhe pakad liya, aur apne aansu se unhe

bhigone laga.I had never felt so scared and desperate in all my life.

"I can't lose you Ronnie, please." -I cried- "You're my world Ronnie. Please don't leave me, please."

uske paanve ko, na chhorne ki jidd tak pakde rakh kar, us'se iis tarah bhikh maangne ke baad mai mard kehlane ko laayak nahi tha, but it didn't matter to me

how undignified I was being;Ronnie ke bina ki zindagi jine laayak bilkul nahi thi.

I needed him to stay.

"How am I supposed to stay Nikhil..?" -He sobbed- "Tell me? How am I supposed to be able to trust you again? To believe, that you actually love me? To

believe that I'm good enough..?"

"Because I'll spend every minute, of every day, showing you how much I love you, and how perfect you are. I'll do whatever it requires, to show that yes you

can trust me. I'll never leave your sight; you can have my phone, my bike or whatever you want. I'll do whatever you need me to do Ronnie, to prove. I'll

never look at another man again." -mai usey jitni sureity de sakta tha, sab de di.

kuch palo ke baad maine uskey ghutne chhor diye aur apne pairo par khada ho gaya.Mere heart aur stomach mein aisi pain ho rahi thi jise bayaan karna muskil

hai.I was totally exhausted.Maine uska chehra pakad liya aur ek dusre ke maathe par apna maatha tek kar kamzor pillo ki tarah ham-dono tadapte rahe..kaafi

der tak..

"Please don't give up on us." -dhire se maine kaha

"Me give up on us..? You're the one that gave up on us, by cheating.. By fucking around with, what sounds like ANYONE and EVERYONE..!"

" I'm sorry..Please, can we just...talk..?"

maano kuch investigate kar raha ho waise nazro ke saath kuchh pal meri taraf dekhne ke baad woh bol utha-

"Ok..But this is only because, I have some questions." Aur woh tezi se kichen ki aur gaya. Maine usey follow kiya.

Dekha ke usne freeze se ek bottle vodka ki nikali. Silently usney 2 glass mein usey pour kiya aur ek muje pass kiya, jisey maine gratefully accept kiya.muje

bhi jarurat thi ek stiff-drink kiaur jis tarah se ek bada sa ghunnt usne bhara, usey bhi utni hi jarurat thi.Refrigerator mein Vodka bachi hui thi, kyo ke

hamdono mostly wine ya cold beer hi prefer karte hai, vodka toh very rarely pitey hai.

muje yaad hai 6 mahine pehle ek shaam ko ham dono kaafi bor ho rahe thhe,toh hamne ek random-drinking-game khelne ka decide kiya.iis ke liye dono

lower-garden gaye jo mostly young crowd se bhara rehta hai.Vodka ki bottles saath mein thi aur agal bagal mein se jab bhi koi particular word sun'ne mein

aaye toh hamey ek ek ghunt maarna hai, aisi shart hamne rakhi.

'Fuck' suna toh muje, aur 'shit' suuna toh usey.need not say, but we both were quite wasted after an hour or so..magar yeh ek novel experience tha.

aisi mazedaar baat yaad aate hi aisi situation mein bhi muje achcha laga. Magar Ronnie ki aur dekhte hi fir reality saamne aa gayi. Woh khidki ke bahar

taakta hua guum suum khada tha.

"Wanna go n sit down in the living room..?" -usey chaunka na du, iis tarah halke suur maine puchha.Sar hila kar woh chal diya, aur mai uske piche piche.dono

ek dusre ke karib baith gaye..

"You said that you had questions." -mera glass khatm karte hue maine kaha. Vodka ki garmi meri halak aur siney mein kaafi comforting lag rahe thhe. Khaali

glass maine coffee-table par rakha. muje dekhkar Ronnie ne bhi wohi kiya

"I want you to be honest with me Nikhil, with whatever I ask you." -thoda sa desparate ho kar woh bola- "I don't know if I'll be able to believe a word you

say, but I still need you to promise that you'll be honest with me."

"I promise Ronnie.. No more lies.."aur maine sach hi kaha tha.. i meant it. Especially, jab ke most serious baat toh maine usye already bata hi di thi ke

maine ek se jyada ladko ko lekar usey cheat kiya hai.


"When...when were you cheating.? You rarely went out..." -usney apna shaq zaheer kiya. Maine decide kiya ke ab usey "Woodoo" ke baare mein bata du.

"I leave the office at 5.15." -apna decision-change ho jaaye us'se pehle maine jhatt se bata diya

"What..?" -woh chaunk gaya

"I go to this...bar...Woodoo after work." -sehmi hui aawaz mein mai bola- "That's where I've met the guys I've slept with...including Aasif..."

Fuck fuck fuck.

Ab pichhe hatne ka koi chance nahi.

uske reaction ki wait karte hue, tensed ho kar mai baitha raha,iis mein koi shaq nahi ke I was quite terrified. Muje sharminda karti hui nazro se woh muje

dekhta raha. Muje ab apne aap se gheen ho rahi thi, how could i ever forgive my self for everything I've done to him..

"I...you..." -woh haklata tha, maano usey labz na mil rahe ho- "When...where? Why?"

"At Woodoo...I went after work for a drink one day, and I ended up...hooking up with someone." -maine admit kya- "I was stressed and I suppose I just wanted

some...fun.".

"Do I bore you or something?" -He spat- "Why you didn't come and talk to me and have that fucking `fun' with me?"

"I should have" -mere aansu fir aa gaye muje kanzor banane ke liye- "I just liked...the excitement of it.".

mera jawaab me rahi meri reasons kitni behuda lag rahi thi muje hi.. kitini betuuki baatein mai kar raha tha.

How can I ever think that a bit of fun with strangers could be worth this, hurting the love of my life..?.

"The fucking `excitement' of it..?" - uska kaduepan jaari raha- "What..? so you enjoyed cheating on me? Do I mean that little to you..?"

"I didn't mean it like that.. You're my world Ronnie. I hate myself for what I've done, I really do hate."

"Not as much as I hate YOU." -usne yeh jo kaha woh shocking toh nahi tha, magar fir bhi ek gehra dhakka de gaya muje.

"You don't mean that.." -bhari hui aankho ke saath maine uska haath pakadte hue kaha.

apna sar jhuka kar, maathe par haath rakhkar woh chupke chupke rone laga..

"I too wish that I didn't mean that, Nikhil. I wish I could hate you. You have no idea how much you're hurting me. I never thought you could hurt me like

this. I don't even have the energy right now to be angry. I just want the pain to stop."

uskey baad maine sachmuuch, ek beokuuf ki tarah ek baat kahi.Uus waqt toh muje laga ke is'se matter sulaj jayega. usey mere nazdik laaega. Uske dard ko kam

karega.Magar ulta yeh toh aisa hua ke maine koi switch-on kar di, jis'se woh ek gussail aur kadua insaan mein tabdeel ho gaya.

.Maine uske kandhe mein apna sar jhuka kar uski gardan mein apna chehra gaadh diya. Kuch palo tak mai waise hi chup-chaap raha, uski nazdiki ko saraahte

hue.Usne bhi apna apna chehra mere chehre par rakh diya tha.Honestly, muje laga ke ham dono ki baat ab bann rahi hai..Aur shayad baat bann hi rahi thi,
magar tab tak, ke jab tak maine apna paagal muuh nahi khola tha.

"Come to bed with me." -mai fusfusaya.well..mai usey seduce nahi kar rha tha. sex ki koi suchna nahi thi usme.muje toh bas usey apni baanho mein dharey

rakhna tha,yeh dikhane ki koshish karni thi ke how much i desperately loved him.

Magr Ronnie ek jhatke ke saath khada ho gaya aur apni gusse se bhari hui dahaad se muje chauka diya.

"Is that all you fucking care about..? Sex..? I'm telling you how fucking fucked up I feel, and all you want to do is, try it on..?"

"No Ronnie." -maine urgency ke saath kaha.

"Is that all our relationship has ever been to you..? Just about the sex..? Have I meant nothing more to you, over these years?" -uska gussa jaari raha

mai khada hua usey tasalli dene ko.

It was unbelievably hurtful to hear him suggest ke hamari relationship ek kamzor buniyaad par ruuki hui hai. Uski neenv hi sex ki bani hui hai..

"How can you even say that, Ronnie?" -mai ro diya- "I love you with all my heart, and even if we never have sex, I will still feel that way only. I still

want to spend forever with you."

"How can you love me Nikhil..?" -fir uski aawaz tutne lagi siskiyo ki wajah se- "You've been lying to me, for god knows how long, so that you can hook up

with people at some dirty bar.. You've even gone through the effort to say that you finish your office at a different time, just so that you can have the

fucking sex on a DAILY basis with everyone else, except ME..! You haven't just gone out and done something in the heat of the moment, but you've

actually...PLANNED it."

Mai kuchh na keh saka.. kya kehta mai..?

Ronnie mere saamne khada tha, bikarta hua, apne aap se woh sab uus dard ki baat ko dohrata hua, jo dard maine usey diye thhe.

"And that wasn't even enough for you, was it..? after sex at that bar you still wanted more. So you bring people back here...to what was supposed to be our

HOME. We have worked so hard for this place, to have a home together, and you treat it like some fucking...I don't know...brothel or something."

Ronnie ki aawaz se reflect hoti hui pain se mai sharmindgi ke bojh taley dabta chala gaya, jab maine realize kiya ke mai kitna selfish bana hua thha pichle

kai mahino se..

Mai ek kadam aage badha aur Ronnie ka chehra hatheli mein pakad kar uske maathe par apna maath tek diya.

Dard ke iis intolerable excess doz se thakk kar dono ki palkein ab bhaari ho gayi thi.

"Why have you done this to me Nikhil..? why..? haven't I been enough?"

"You are enough. I don't know why I've done this. I wish I could take it all back Ronnie, I can't face you leaving me...I can't handle the thought of living

without you by my side."

Uski aawaz tab bhi utni hi peeda-daayak thi, jab maine uske muuh se suna ke-

"Neither can bear the thought of losing you..".

Mai thamm gaya..

magar usne apni baath aage badhayi- "but I will have to go.. I am going to pack-up some things..will you get me some of my clothes from the bedroom

please..!"  (contd..)

~ I'm Sorry.. (Part-3) ~ Gay Love Story By Ashit Maje

"Please Ronnie," -maine halke suur mein kaha..apne jaan se pyaare dilbar ke saath dhokedaari karte waqt hi, range haatho pakde jaane ke baad, woh naraaz ho kar muje chhor kar chala gaya.uska naraaz hona laazmi tha; mai isi ke laayak tha.ab mai usey apne ghar waapas laut aane ki ji-jaan se koshish kar rha tha.
"Come home." -I said quietly

magar usne apni aankhe pochhi aur kuch na kehna jaari rakha..

"I'll send my Dad round, to get some stuff for me." -fir usne tut'ti hui aawaz mein kaha.

"No Ronnie, please, we need to talk. We need to sort things out."

"I'm not ready to talk to you." -uskii aawaaz ke saath ek aur siski bhi nikal aayi woh ab bhi meri taraf dekhne ko raazi nahi tha.

"When..when can we...?" ab baari thi, meri aawaaz ke tuutne ki. magar usne bass sirf... apne kandhe jhaad diye.

mai desperate tha ke Ronnie muje ek chance de, apne aap ko explain karne ke liye.

I wanted to hug him, to kiss him and make him smile again.

"Come round tomorrow...please.. I want us to talk...I need to explain...please Ronnie" 

Usne ghuum kar apni car ka darwaza khola; andar baithne se pehle woh ruuka..

"Ok.." -woh ekdam ahista se bola, aur car mein baith kar drive kar gaya.
Uske jaane ke baad mai office gaya, kuch ghanto ke liye.

Kaam me dhyaan bantne se uske khyaal aate bandh ho jaayenge, aisa socha tha,
magr uski yaad ne pichha nahi chhora.
aisi behuda maine kabhi feel nahi kiya tha, apni life mein..
itna guilty.. itna sharminda..itni beokuf..
sach mein, muje ab laga raha tha, ke mai sachmuuch kaafi beokuuf tha aisi harqat karne ko.

.

Ghar ja kar apne chhote se well-maintained (all credit to Ronnie) garden mein baith kar, mai cigarette ke dhuue mein apni fikr ko udane laga.

kitna akela..kitna dara hua.. feel kar rha tha mai.
fir, raat mein kuch bhi khaane se inkaar karte hue, maine apne aap ko bistar ke hawaale kar diya.
I was feeling like a shit..and i deserved that..

Ronnie ke takiye ko kass ke pakad kar usme bachi kuuchi Ronnie ke badan ki mahek ko mehsuus karte karte, mai so gaya.

Dusri subah hi maine Ronnie ko SMS kiya tha yeh puchhne ke liye, ke what time he is coming around.

Magar mid-afternoon tak usne koi reply nahi diya tha.

Din-bhar office mein apne aap ko busy rakhne ki try karta raha.Hardam apne laptop ko lekar baitha raha..

Magar ab meri petience jawaab de rahi thi.Mai aur intazaar nahi kar pa rha tha. Maine usey call kiya.
Magar muje tajjub hua, ke pehli hi try mein usne fon receive kar liya.
Maine toh socha tha ke muje kai ek baar try karni padegi.

"Ronnie?"

"Yeah?" -uska suur bilkul thanda halka tha

"W-what time you coming round?" -maine puchha.

betaabi meri aawaz mein saaf jhalak rahi thi.

magr muje koi parwaah nahi thi.

.

kuch palo ke liye ek jaanleva khamoshi chhaai rahi, jo ek darr paida kar rhi thi ke kya jawaab dega woh.iis intazaar ki ghadi mein mere haath thande hote chale, yehi dua thi, ke kahi usne apna mind change na kar diya ho.

"I don't know.." -uski aawaz mein chhipi siski ki kampan thi.

"I love you so much" -maine bina kuch soche jawaab diya.

aur apni hatheli par apna sar tika kar apni aankhe muunde raha mai.

soch raha tha ke aage kya kahu ke woh yaha aane ke liye raazi ho jaaye, aur muje apne aap ko explain karne ka, usey waapas jeet lene ka aisa ek mauka de, jiske liye mai laayak bhi nahi tha..

"please Ronnie, we need to talk"

"seven" -aawaaz mein jabardasti paida ki hui sakhti ke saath woh bola- "I'll come by seven."

"shall I cook some..."

"no, " -meri baat ko kaat'te hue woh bola- "I'll come for an hour. I need to get some things anyway."

do buund aansuo ki mere chehre se tapak kar nichey giri.

I didn't want him to only stay for an hour and fuck off.

I wanted him back; I wanted him to stay; I needed him not to leave again..

"aa.." -I started to say, magar usne fon kaat diya.

FUCK..maine fon apne desk par patak diya tabhi kisi ne meri cabin ke darwaaze par knock kiya.

I had totally forgotten that i was in the office

Maine apni aankhein pochh li ;

apni peeth pichhe tika kar dono pair aaram se faila diye..

Solomon, of the technical support department, came inside.

"You alright Nikhil?" -usne concern ke saath puchha

"Yeah, "what's up..?"

Soloman mujse thoda sa short, aur ek slim magar achchi personality wala, good-looking ladka tha, umar Ronnie ke jitni hi, yaani ke mujse kuch saal chhota.

Office mein yeh ek hi banda tha, jiske saath mein kuch kuch intimate tha,

magar fir bhi personal baatein share nahi hoti thi, ham dono mein

"nothing much, but you alright mate..? You look...tired?"

"Honestly.. I'm fine."

"ok.. I just need to check some network details on your laptop, if that's ok.."

"Yeah no problem." -apni chair se uthte hue maine kaha- "I need to pop outside, so I'll leave you to it." -usko ek weak smile dete hue, maine apna fon utha kar usey kaha
aur office se bahar nikal liya.

Bike ke golve-box se ja kar cigs ka pack nikala aur unmein se ek jalaayi.

Ronnie ki absence ki wajah se jo heavy feelings aa rahi thi, usey mai fed-up ho chuka tha,

magar mai jaanta tha,ke jab tak Ronnie laut kar nahi aata, iin se mera chhutkara nahi hone wala.

Fon par nazar daali to ek text-message aaya hua tha.

I had totally forgotten that my fon was on a silent-mode.

magar..

I wish I had not read it though, bcoz it made me want to break-down and sob.

I bitterly switched-off my fon and chucked it in my pocket.
aur fir apna nichla honth daanto taley zor se daba diya, apne aap ko rone se rokne ke
liye.

Usne jo ek sentence likha tha, woh chhota sa tha, magar kaafi jaanleva.."I hate you..'

ghar ja kar shave-shower se pehle maine ghar ko thoda sa thik-thaak kar liya.

I wanted to look my best for Ronnie,toh Shower ke baad, baalo mein gel laga kar unhe chamka liya,

Ronnie ki pasand ki Calvin Klien ki Summer Pefume chhidak di.

Apni best-fitting jeans pehan kar, woh tank-top pehni, jiski Ronnie hardam taarif kiye rehta hai.

agar kuch success nahi hua, toh iis tarah Ronnie ko seduce karne ka plan bhi thoda thoda mere dimaag mein tha.
fir aaine mein apne aap ko dekha

mai koi bollywood-star ke jitna handsome na sahi, magar fir bhi good-looking banda hu,
5.9 ki height aur 68-70kg ka sehatmand, muscle-toned badan meri personality ko kaafi attractive banata hai.

hafte mein 3 din mai work-out ke liye jata hu magar pichle 4weeks se nahi ja paya hu,

toh thoda sa unfit lag rha tha, magar mere broad shoulders uski kami puuri karte hai..

Yeh wohi shoulders hai, sex karte waqt jisme aksar Ronnie apne nakhuun chubho deta hai.

Uske naakhun jyada bade toh nahi hai, magar fir bhi woh kuch kharonch toh de hi dete hai.Kabhi kabhi toh khoon bhi nikal aata hai.

magar fir bhi ham wohi missionary-style mein sex karna pasand karte hai, kyo ke iis position mein, mai uski aankho mein aanke daal kar usey meri penetration enjoy karte mai dekh sakta hu.

Jab woh apni orgasm ke kareeb hota hai, tab woh behadd khubsurat lagta hai.

uski palkein ekdam bojhal ho jaati hai, jab woh meri aur taakte taakte, kilkaariyo ke beech apne haatho se apni climax achieve karta hai.

Dusro ke saath, mai yeh position kabhi try nahi karta.

Unhe toh bas khade khade, aage jhuka kar.. 

becoz I dont fuck others for intimacy, I just fuck them for pleasure.

Ronnie ke saath mai dusri ek position bhi try karta rehta hu kai ek baar.

for example jab sofa par hota hai sex,

toh apni gode mein bitha kar penetrate karte hue, mai uske purey badan par apne haath
pasaarta hu, uski gardan ko kiss karte karte, uske ozaar ko apne haatho ki karamaat se uski manzil dikhata hu.

I needed to stop thinking about sex.

bcoz I didn't have time to take care of a hard-on, right now.

Before it reached 7 o'clock, I quickly changed the bedding, kyo ke iispar aakhri kaun soya tha iis baat ka khyaal aate hi, Ronnie iis par sona bilkul pasand nahi karega..

Fir mai uska intazaar karne laga.

Maine apna fon switch-on kiya, magar yehi dua karta raha, ke Ronnie ki aur se fir se koi aisa hurtful text-msg na aaya ho.

magar ek msg tha Richard ka- "You fucking scumbag..!"

aah..

it means Ronnie ne atleast apne ghar mein kuch toh baat kar hi li hai.

thoda sa toh halka ho liya hai woh.

chalo achcha hai..

tabhi maine darwaaze par knock suna, aur maine fon drawer mein rakh diya.

I couldn't believe it, when i opened the door to see Ronnie.
I felt surprisingly hurt too, that he had not just walked in.

He still lived here...this was OUR home.

"Why did you knock?" I said sounding quiet and pathetic.

Woh meri taraf dekh nahi raha tha;

he was just staring down at the floor.

I wanted to cry again. Cry and pull him into a hug.

Mai side par khiska aur woh andar aaya

"I need to get some clothes." -woh badbadaya

"Ronnie, look at me." -maine urge kiya- "Please look at me...you're fucking killing me..."

"No." -dardnaak dheemi aawaz mein usne kaha.
maine uska haath pakda;
usey khinch kar living-room mein lekar aaya;
aur mere paas bithaya.

usne kisi bhi tarah resist nahi kiya.
uski aisi halat dekh kar meri feelings par se mera control jaata rha.
Woh khud bhi toh bilkul tuuta hua nazar aa rha tha.

"I'm sorry." -maine siskiyo ke beech kaha- "I'm so sorry."

"Why Nikhil..?" -waise hi dheeme swar mein woh bola- "Why did you do it..? Why..? wasn't I enough for you..?".

Mainie uske chehre ko apni hatheliyo me lekar usey meri taraf dekhne ko majbuur kiya.

"What I did, has nothing to do with you." -maine roti hui aawaaz mein jawab diya- "You're more than enough for me Ronnie, I swear.."

Usne mere haatho ko dhakel kar khada hona chaha, magar maine aisa nahi hone diya.

Uski baanh pakad kar usey fir nichey sofa par khincha..

"Ronnie -"

"I didn't think you' would ever hurt me like this, Nikhil." -He sobbed- "I thought we were happy. I tried so hard to make you happy.."

"You do make me happy. Everyday you make me happy." -I wept- "Ronnie I wouldn't exchange you for the whole world.."

"Bullshit." -He whimpered- "You wouldn't cheat if you were happy.."

Rehte rehte hamari siskiyaa kuch halki hokar sirf aansuo mein tabdil hoti gayi
aur meine realise kia ke mai abhi tak usey pakde hue hu, toh maine apni pakad dhili kar di.

"Who was he? How long have you been...seeing him for?"

Shit..!!!

Obviously, mai aise sawaalat ko expect toh kar hi raha tha,

magar I didn't know what to answer.

Mai usey nahi batana chahta thha ke Aasif sirf akela ladka nahi hai, ke jiski wajah se maine usey cheat kiya hai.

Aur mai uus gay-bar "Woodoo", jaha mai frequently jaya karta tha, uska bhi zikar nahi karna chahta tha.

mai usey kabhi bhi aisa nahi keh sakta tha, ke Aasif ko mai Woo-doo mein mila tha..!!!

toh.. I had to improvise.

"two weeks before." -maine jawaab diya,  magar jhutha

"Who is he? How do you know him?" -Ronnie ne shaky voice mein puchha.

"We used to go to school together." -darrte hue mai aage bola- "He got in touch a few days ago and he asked me to go out for a drink, then one thing led to another.".

"Why...why...?" -aankho se fir aansu ke nikalte, uski aawaaz ko nikalne mein dikkat hone lagi.

Ronnie ko aur bhi jyada upset hote dekhna mere liye totally devastating tha.
I wanted to comfort him, and not feel him worse.
Mai usey halka feel karne ki koshish mein tha magar woh aur hi bojhal hue ja rha tha.

"I don't know." - apni aawaz ke volume ko ho sake utna low karte hue maine bass itna hi jawab diya.

"Do you love him..? Seriously..?".

"No Ronnie no, of course not. I love you and only you. It was just a plain sex with him, nothing else.".

'sex' ka naam suunte hi uske chehra dard se badsurat ho gaya,

shayad woh ek reminder tha uus raat ka jab usne muje aur Aasif ko woh karte hue pakad liya tha..

"I need to know something," -usne kaampti hui aawaz mein puchha-. "At Rocky's funeral, when you disappeared for half an hour...were you with him?"

Well that really fucking hurt..!!

I couldn't believe ke Ronnie aisi baat karega.

Uske bhai ki maiyat par bhi mai usey cheat karne mein busy tha.. waisa bhi woh sochne laga tha..!

mai itna giir gaya uski nigaho mein..?

Uus maiyat ke din, Ronnie absolute mess condition mein tha.

Woh puuri tarah se tukdo mein bikhar chuka tha, apne chahite bhai ki laash ko dafnate hue dekh kar.

It was fucking heartbreaking to see him that way. Whole the time woh muje pakad kar hi rakhta tha.
Maine apni best koshish kari thi usey samhaalne ki, use comfort dene ki.
Magar uski pain ko halka karna utna aasan nahi tha.
At one point I did sneak off..
but it was just  for a cigarette.
Yeh khudgarzi thi, magar muje 5mins chahiye thi mere apne liye.
Ronnie ko itna guumsuum aur inconsolable dekh kar mera dil bhi itna tensed tha, ke ek cigrette shayad kuch relief de sakti hai, aisa muje laga tha.

"No Ronnie." -I said quietly- "Like I said you, I've only been in touch with Aasif for a couple of weeks."
"Aasif..? His name's Aasif..?" -he sounded so bitter now.
Ronnie ko ab ek naam mil gaya tha 'uus' ke liye.

Maine uska haath thaamte hue haami bhari.
Ronnie mera haath chhura kar ab khada ho gaya,

aur abki baar maine usey pakad kar roka nahi.
"Why did you do it Nikhil?" -He sobbed- "Why did you cheat on me?"
"I'm sorry. I really am. I never wanted to hurt you, I love you so much.."

"If you loved me, you wouldn't have slept with someone else.." -woh chilla utha- "Just tell me why you did it please. I need to know what wrong I did..."

Woh ab khul kar ro rha tha aur usey aisa dekhna bahut hi mushkil ho rha tha mere liye, especially jab ke mai jaanta tha, ke uski iis condition ke liye mai responsible hu.

Wo yaha-waha ghuum rha tha, jaise ke samaj mein na aa rha ho, ke ab kya kare woh.

Apne baalo mein berehmi se woh ungliya chubho raha tha

aur uski aankho ke baandh tuut chuke thhe.

Dusri aur, mai sofa par baitha tha,

mere jivan ke pyaar ko tukdo mein bant'te hue dekhta hua.

"You didn't do anything wrong, Ronnie" -I whimpered- "It was just sex Ronnie. Not even good sex. Not as good as when we –".

"Shut up!" -woh fir se chilla utha- "Just tell me why. Nikhil tell me why you did it. There has to be a reason why you cheated on me..Was I not good enough in bed or something? Or -".

"Ronnie you're perfect in every way. Trust me when I tell you that you've done NOTHING wrong, please..".

"I'm not STUPID Nikhil..Everyone knows that there's always a reason for cheating, so just tell me..!"

mai taajjub ho gaya ke ab muje Ronnie par gussa aa raha tha. woh kyu meri baat nahi maan raha tha, ke iismein uska koi fault nahi hai.

Maine usey cheat kiya tha, kyo ke iisme se muje kaafi excitement milti thi.

"I was selfish Ronnie. It was just a fuck. That's it. Nothing else." -maine firmly kaha- "believe me please.."

"But why?" -woh bola- "Why didn't you...sleep with me, instead..?"

Now...

this was torture.

He was clearly in emotional turmoil over the betrayal that I had committed.

"I should have Ronnie...I'm sorry."

"Is sex with me boring..? Was it better with him..?" -uski aawaz ab firm hoti chali- "do you want us to do it in the way you did with him...

mai be-dhangi tarike se khada ho gaya.
I was desperate ke Ronnie meri baat suune aur use believe kare.
No Ronnie." -maine request-tone mein kaha-. "I love sex with you. It's perfect. I wouldn't change anything about us, I promise. You're everything I would ever need Ronnie."
"ok, have sex with me in the way you did with him." -usne shaky awaaz mein demand kari.

"No Ronnie." -maine firm aawaz mein jawaab diya.

"Please. I know that's what you want. It'll make you happy, please..".

"NO..!" -badhti hui frustration ke chalte, mai chilla utha

dusre ladko ke saath jaise mera hota tha, waise Ronnie ke saath nahi ho sakta.
Mai Ronnie ko love karta tha, uska respect karta tha.
Woh koi aisa ladka nahi tha jo ke sirf fuck karne ke liye ho.
mai usey itna pyar karta tha, ke maans ke ek latthe ki tarah mai usey kabhi treat nahi kar sakta.

He deserved much more than that.
Meaningless shagging se, kai ek guuna jyada paane ke laayak tha, w.

"Why not Nikhil..? "Why not, if it'll make you happy with me, if it makes you not want to go elsewhere..."

"I AM happy with you!" -I shouted- "I don't want to fuck you the way I do the others..! I just want us to go back to how we were before..!"

mai fauran chuup ho gaya jab maine dekha ke woh muje ghuur raha hai. Woh ab upset aur shocked, dono lag raha tha.

"Others..? besides Aasif..? " -usne na maan'ne waali aawaz mein puchha.

Fuck...!!!!!!                                            (contd..)

~ I'm sorry ( Part -2) ~ Gay LOVE Story

subah uthte hi anjaane mein mera hath feil gaya, Ronnie ko apni aagosh mein khinchne ke liye,magar fir niche bistar se ja takraya. Just for a moment I had completely forgotten about last night.,
lekin achanak ek zordaar thappad ki tarah, har dardnaak detail muje yaad aa gayi.
mera haath ki mutthi bandh gayi aur anjaane mein hi..
mai muthi mein bed-sheet ko masalne laga, as if ke is'se kuch raahat milegi.

soney ke liye, kal raat muje kaafi struggle karni padi. hamaare beech is'se pehle bhi kai ek baar arguements hui hai, magar bistar mein jaane ke baad, soney se pehle ham har complain ko sort-out kar hi paate thhe.
But last-night, na toh woh arguement karne ke liye haazir tha,
aur na hi usey solve karne ke liye.

due to that, a dull ache had decended over my body for not knowing where i stood without Ronnie, while trying to drift off to sleep.
usne muje jab bedroom mein Aasif ke saath dekha, uus waqt ke uske chehre ke expressions ko mai bhula nahi pa raha tha.

Woh bilkul chillaya nahi tha, na hi temper lose kiya tha,
bas uski aankhe bhar aayi thi..
aur aankho se kai guuna jyada uska dil ro raha tha, jo ke uske chehre se saaf dikhaai de rha tha. uska wohi chehra meri nazro ke saamne se hat'ta nahi tha.
I felt physically sick from guilt;

I couldn't believe I had allowed myself to hurt Ronnie so much. 
It wasn't going to be easy getting him back.

Maine office mein call kar ke keh diya ke mai afternoon tak office nahi aa paunga.
Bistar se apne aap ko khinch kar mai wash-room mein gaya.
Aur daily routine nipta kar ready ho gaya.
Apni bike le kar mai Ronnie ke dad ke ghar ki aur nikal pada.
Bahut hi maayus subah thi.

Baadlo se aakash bhara hua tha, aur kabhi bhi baarish hone ke aasaar nazar aa rahe thhe.
apni bike Ronnie ke dad ke ghar ke bahar park karte samay, fir se mai sochne laga ke unse mai kya reason du, ke kyo maine Ronnie ko cheat kiya hai.
Magar iis baar bhi koi solid reason nahi mil payi.

I may have had no idea what to say to his dad..but still I was eager to see Ronnie again.
toh Main-door ki taraf mai badhne laga.
maine darwaaze par knock kiya aur khulne ka wait karne laga. anxiety se mera stomach ab kuch upset hone laga..

Darwaza khula
Uske dad thhe darwaaze par.

"Gud Morning Steve Uncle," -maine juthe confidence ke saath puchha- "is Ronnie there please?"

"No, he's not here," -kuch confusing aawaz mein unhone respond kiya- "he was to come last night, but didn't turn up. I assume he might have forgotten"

of course, muje koi dhakka nahi laga, ye suunkar, magar fir bhi, mera dil baithne laga..
"Ohhh..ok, no problem Uncle. Sorry to bother you."

"Everything ok?"
"Yeah. Just couldn't remember where he was stopping last night," -maine juth kaha- "but I'll find him."
unhe agar koi fikr ho rahi ho, toh use hataane ke liye maine halki si mazakiya smile apne chehre par present kar di

Hamre kuch common-friends hai,
ab usko fon karke puchna maine munasib samja.
toh ghar ja kar uske uun dosto ko call karna tha, ab.

Mai fir bike par sawaar ho gaya, aur ghar aa gaya.
Har call ke baad mera dil aur bhi bhaari hota chala. No one was knowing Ronnie's whereabouts.
No one had heard from him nor seen him.

Ab meri aakhri ummid thi, Richard, uska bada bhai.
usey call lagaya..and I waited anxiously for him to answer his fon.

'Hi Dina, -maine uski girl friend ki aawaz suun kar usey greet kiya. Richard was staying with her in a live-in relationship.

"oh..hello Nikhil, "

"may i speak to Richie.."

"just hang on, he's on another fon"

uski wait karte karte meri dsperation aur bhi badhti gayi and when he answered my call, definitely he must have heard that despration in my voice.

"Richie, is Ronnie there? Have you heard from him..?"

"No, should I have done..?" Richard ne calmly reply kiya.

mai apni frustration jyada der chhipa nahi paya. muuh se ek aah ke saath sath, apne nasib ko kosti hui ek gaali nikal padi.

I needed to talk to Ronnie
 but where the hell was he..?

"What's happened Nikhil?"
Richard was Ronnie's older brother,aur usey agar pata chale ke exactly what I have done,then..he would smack me and make sure that Ronnie never spoke to me again.

"last night after we had a bit of a row, he didn't come home." -thoda awkward feel karte hue maine reply kiya

"Well have you tried Dad's or his friend's?"

"Yes and yes.." -maine mayusi se kaha- "no one has heard anything."

"then he might have just slept in his car, Nikhil. Don't worry too much, I'm sure he'll be back soon." -usne muje confidence ke saath assure kiya- "you always kiss him and make up after the tiffs, right..?"

Richard aur Steve-uncle, dono mere aur Ronnie ki relationship se kaafi comfortable thhe.

After the death of Ronnie' mom, uske dad ne, mom-dad dono ka farz ada kiya hai aur utna hi pyar diya hai, apne ladko ko.

Ghar mein kaafi friendly atmosphere banaaye rakhne ki hamesha unki koshish rahi.

They are portuguese christians. Aur 1961 mein azaadi ke baad jo kuch thode bahut portuguese, India chhor kar nahi gaye, balke yahi Daman mein, bass gaye, unme se ek family iinki bhi hai.

Ham dono ke gay relationship ko shuru ke kuch resistance ke baad, unho ne accept kar liya hai.

waise bhi, apne ladko ki khushi mein hi Steve-uncle ne apni khushi dekhi hai, hamesha.

Richard is nearly of my age.

aur woh bhi ab hamare iis relationship se ab kaafi comfortable ho chuka tha.
he knew how easily i solved the small problems between myself and Ronnie.
toh uski baat mein ek confidence tha ke nothing can go wrong between us.but i was not as confident as him, because i knew, this time we had had more than just a small arguement. In fact no arguement at all..

"Thanks Richie, I'll let you know when he turns up." mai apne aap par reham khaate hue  badbadaya.

"Cheers Nikhil, see you around..!"

maine fon disconnect kar diya
and immediately tried to call on Ronnie's number, praying that he would answer it,

so that.. atleast I'll be re-assured that he was safe.

magar..
uska fon toh switched off tha..!

"Fuck..!"  -bike ke handle par apna haath patakte hue mai chillaya. yeh jaan'na mere liye jaruri tha, ke he was safe.

It wasn't like Ronnie to shut everyone out.
kabhi ham dono mein behas hoti aur dono mein se ek gussey se bahar chala jaata
toh bhi Ronnie hamesha kisi na kisi se baat jarur karta tha.

Mostly toh apne dad se hi, taa ke apne dil ka saara ubaal woh nikal pa kar usey halka kar sakey fortunately abhi tak, uske dad ke mere baare mein views negative nahi hue thhe. He is still quiet a considerate old man.

Mai ghar ke andar bhaga, shayad meri absence mein woh fir se laut aaya ho. paaglo ki tarah har kamre ko chhaan mara.
all rooms were empty which fuelled my growing panic.

He was not a drinker too. so it was unlikely that he would be drowning his sorrows in a bar. Besides, woh apna wallet bhi saath le kar nahi gaya..
toh uskey paas koi paise bhi nahi honge, iin sab ke liye.

mai police mein missing-report bhi nahi de sakta tha, kyo ke abhi koi jyada waqt nahi guzra tha. magar fir muje ek khayal aaya.
maine apne bed ke nichey ki raddi-pasti mein se apni phone-book nikali
aur hospitals ko call karne laga.

I would never wish to find out that he was injured, or something like that.

magar mere dil ka hissa yehi chahta tha ke woh, bataur ek patient, kisi hospital mein admitted ho, taa ke mai usey pa saku, usey dekh saku and tasalli kar saku ke wo salamat hai.

I called six hospitals and he wasn't admitted in any of them.
mere haath ab kaampne lage
aur apni helplessness par muje rona aa rha tha.
ab mai Ronnie ko waapas pana nahi chah rha tha..

wherever he was, i simply begged for him to be all-right.

I started to worry ke usne koi beokuufi kar li hogi. apni car kisi anjaan sumsaan jagah par crash kar di hogi, aur abhi tak koi usey dekh tak nahi paya hoga.

As I feared the possibility of different scenarios, the pain in my heart became more and more intense and I cried harder.

Maine decide kar liya ke ab mai apni bike par, purey Daman-city ki har galli ko chhaan marunga. even yaha ke sea-beach tak ko..maine apne aap ko convince karna chaha ke he will be fine, but us'sey meri pain aur panic mein koi kami nahi hui.

for about an hour or more, mai usey dhundta rha, magar kuch nahi ho paya.

Ham dono jaha pehli baar miley thhe uus LOGO naam ke bar mein bhi ja kar aaya.
shayad apni pehli mulaqaat ko yaad karta hua paunga usey.
magar nahi.

tabhi aur ek jagah muje yaad aayi.
The cementery...!
kabrastaan..!
yes, woh yahi hoga..!

2 saal pehle ki tarah, ab woh har roz nahi jata hai, waha.
apne bhai Rocky ki kabar par ja kar comfort paane ki uski aadat, ab kam hoti chali thi
magar jab kabhi bhi woh mayuus ya udaas hota, toh definitely woh yahi aa jata.

Ronnie mere saath rehne ko aaya, us'se bas kuch hi arsa pehle Rockie ki maut ho gayi thi.

Dono bhai ek duje ke bahut hi karib thhe, toh yeh ek gehre se gehra sadma tha Ronnie ke liye.

I had tried my best to help him, through it. and in the past year he only went to visit the grave, when he really felt like there was no one for him.

Pichhli baar woh uus kabar par tabhi gaya tha jab uski, apne dad ke saath, kisi baat par ladaai ho gayi thhi,aur maine bhi beokuuf ki tarah uske dad ki side li thi.

Toh woh drive karte hue wahiin chala gaya tha, aur tab muje maluum tha ke woh kaha gaya hoga.

Ab ki baar bhi wahii gaya hoga, aisa khyaal muje pehle kyo nahi aaya uski koi idea nahi muje.

how stupid..!

Jaise hi mai church ki aur badha ke maine waha Ronnie ki car dekhi.

Maine apni bike uske pichhe dump kar di aur Rockie ki kabar ki aur dauda.

Cementery ke pichhle wale hissey mien thi, woh.

Duur se hi maine Ronnie ko dekha, kabar ki bagal mei baitha hua. apni chaal maine dhimi kar di..taa ki meri fuuli hui saanse control mein aa jaaye.
uski suji hui aankho se aansu behte hue dekhe maine.
chhoti chhoti siskiyo ke nikalne par, uska nichla honth thartharata tha.

maine usey itna upset kabhi nahi dekha tha.
aisa lagta tha, ke woh ghanto se ro rha hoga.

Rocky ki kabar ke head-stone ke baaju mein, apne ghutono ke bich woh apni chin daba kar baitha hua tha.
meri aankhe bhi gili hoti chali.

uske iird-giird apni baahein faila kar usey comfort dene ke liye mein betaab ho uutha. magar mai jaanta tha.. ke he will push me away.

yeh sab maine kiya tha usey.

I had caused the love of my life to crumble into an emotional mess.

I made him feel so rejected, so hurt and so alone that he had turned to his dead brother for some comfort.

Woh apne Dad ke paas kyo nahi gaya? woh usey hug karte. aur atleast ek kandha toh milta usey, jispar sar rakhkar woh ro sakta.. 

Jaise mai kareeb gaya toh usne upar bhi nahi dekha,meri presence ki usey jaankaari tak nahi hui, shayad. toh ahista se mai uski bagal mein duubak kar baith gaya.

fir bhi woh bilkul hila-dula nahi,
aur na hi usne Rockie ke head-stone ko taakna bandh kiya.

muje samaj mein nahi aa rha tha ke mai usey touch karu, ya us'se kuch kahu ta ki usey mehsuus ho ke woh akela nahi, yaha.

meri dhokhedaazi ne mere lover ki condition ko itni karibi se dekhne ke baad mere aansuo par mera koi kaabu nahi rha. I lost my control over them.

Itni sentimental condition mein bhi kaafi saawdhani ke saath, maine Ronnie ke kandhe ke aas-paas apni baanh faila di.and surprisingly, he did not resist..usne koi pratirodh nahi kiya.

meri gardan par apna chehra rakhne ke liye woh actually thoda sa jhuka bhi.

Uske gaal par maine apna gaal rakha, toh woh meri shirt pakad kar betahasha tarike se rone laga.

Mai uske saath roya.

Muje kaafi relief mili ke at last maine usey dhuund liya..

zinda..aur salamat..!

aur sabse important yeh ke woh meri affection ko reject nahi kar rha tha.

"I love you so much," -I whispered as I held on tight, to his trembling body.

pata nahi kitni der, may be half an hour, hamdono aise hi baithe rahe,tab tak ke hamare aansu behna ruuk gaye.

fir Ronnie thoda sa hila-dula, toh maine apni pakad dhili kar di. aisa hotey hi Ronnie mujse alag ho gaya.

Usne apni thaki hui aankho ko pochha.

Magar ab bhi woh meri taraf dekh nahi raha tha.

Mai tuutne laga.

Hamare beech mein jo distance woh rakh raha tha, woh horrible tha mere liye.

Mai uski aankho ki chamak fir se dekhna chahta tha.aur uska woh khul kar hansna, jis'se saaf pata chal pata ke woh muje chahta hai, ab bhi.
apne aap ko hold karne ke liye usne muje allow toh kiya tha, but I knew he was still tensed and hesitant.

Ronnie khada hua aur niche zameen par apni nazar tikaaye hue mujse kaha- 'I'm going to my Dad's.."

"come back home, so we can talk" -maine request ki. magar usne sar hilaya aur chal dene ke liye muuda.
mai uske saath saath chane laga, aur uska haath pakadna chaha magar usne muje aisa karne nahi diya.

"Please Ronnie," I said quietly, "Come home."

magar usne apni aankhe pochhi aur kuch na kehna jaari rakha.
uski car tak maine usey follow kiya, yehi prarthna karte hue ke car mein baithne se pehle  woh muje kahega ke woh ghar aa rha hai.

"I'll send my Dad round, to get some stuff for me." -usne tut'ti hui aawaz mein kaha.

"No Ronnie, please, we need to talk. We need to sort things out."

"I'm not ready to talk to you." -uskii aawaaz ke saath ek aur siski bhi nikal aayi

woh ab bhi meri taraf dekhne ko raazi nahi tha.

"When..when can we...?" ab meri aawaaz tuut rahi thi.

magar usne bass sirf... apne kandhe jhaad diye.    (contd...)